We’re going off piste for this edition of Tuckin’ Hell.
The Padres recently lost 18-4, the crowd were excited about the prospect of me writing up the recap.
— Dave Shaw (@daves143) July 19, 2017
Ok, so maybe it wasn’t a crowd, it was one person (And Darius Austin in the Slack chat).
I don’t do recaps though.
The Padres were away from home, they started at the top of the first (as is tradition) and scored no runs. This is the last time I will mention the Padres hitting. I mean, who cares? They have yet to ship anyone off in this seemingly busy trade period and the only hitter they can hope to shift is Yangervis Solarte.
Everyone is more interested in their pitching and who will bring in the most prospects. Well, when I say pitching, I mean relief pitching. When I say relief pitching I mean Brad Hand. That’s it.
Anyway, back to the bottom of the first at Mile High Shithole, with Clayton Richard taking the mound. He started the season as Mr. Reliable, but has slowly drifted into Mr. Unreliable.
Scouting Report for Richard. Sounds simple? Just hit the Rockies hard, then go down early and get up late. Sounds like a dream weekend for me.
So, lets get on with the actual pitching.
This was it, this was the moment the Perfect Game went out of the window. On the 3rd pitch of Clayton Richard’s outing, throws a looping shitty breaking ball outside the strike zone. Blackmon swings like someone trying to flick a fly off their friends dick without touching the flaccid member and all of a sudden the Rockies have a hit. FFS Clayton, get a grip.
Clayton is already trying to surrender, signalling to Andy Green he’s had enough. “There’s no perfect game on, get me the hell out of here.”
Green isn’t interested.
Nolan Arenado comes to the plates and begins an epic night, by hitting a single. But this post isn’t called “Rockin’ Hell” so it’s not about Arenado, it’s Tuckin’ Hell so it’s about the Padres. Time for our first “Richard Run Face”.
This one is “Huh, that’s annoying, a runner scored. Also, there was a bobble in the OF and a misfield at 2B. I’m just glad it wasn’t two runs.” face.
Next up is the dangerous Mark Reynolds. He has 20 home-runs this season, the exact number the Boston Red Sox can’t freekin’ buy right now. But anyway, Clayton Richard and Hector Sanchez combat this power by doing this:
Wait, there’s a guy on third isn’t there? Shit…here comes Richard Run Face two.
This is a “Where’s the scoreboard, there it is. Oh, it’s 2-0, I thought I had a shutout going…oh wait it was that weak ass breaking ball and dog shit swing from Blackmon then the hit from Arenado that has caused this.” face.
A sacrifice fly and all of a sudden we have Richard Run Face three.
This is a “*sigh* I couldn’t care what Tim Kurkjian says, I bloody hate sac-flies” face.
Clayton gets out the inning somehow (I don’t know, I didn’t even watch it) and we go to the bottom of the second (Remembering I couldn’t care less about Padres hitting right now).
Clayton speaks to the umpire after getting Jon Gray to ground out.
CR: “Any chance we can call the inning over? We’re down three nothing, I have two outs and I have a bad feeling about the rest of the game.
After a 37 pitch AB against Blackmon (Clayton Richard is at approximately 1,003 pitches so far this game), Richard gets bored and throws at Blackmon’s back. Charlie Blackmon to first after HBP, DJ Jazzy LeMahieu up to the plate. DJ Jazzy L loads the bases (Minus 3B) and here comes that hero again. Nolan Arenado.
A single up the middle from the Nolan brother, Blackmon gets waved home as he rounds third and Margot bobbles the ball in the outfield. It’s time for Richard Run Face four.
This is a “Why didn’t the umpire just let me go after two outs? I told him I had a bad feeling about this game. Let’s just get another out and get the hell out of here. I’ll tell Andy I have a sore elbow.” face.
Again, our plucky pitcher gets out of the inning. Again I don’t care how.
Onto the bottom of the 3rd inning.
The inning starts with Mudcat calling Don Orsilo fat and trying to compare him to a fat horse. This makes Don giggle in the way only Don can. Meanwhile, Clayton Richard is not giggling. Andy Green sends him out again telling him “Don’t come back until you can get three outs without giving away a run.” Clayton isn’t confident. I’m not confident, well I know why I’m not confident, because I watched this game.
Parra gets on base (I don’t know how) and Trevor “The Story” Story hits a triple to score Parra.
Richard Run Face five.
This is a “I wonder if I can switch to 1B? Wil hasn’t been playing great, as long as this doesn’t get doubly worse, I might be able to convince Andy.” face.
Uh oh, Ryan Hanigan, uses his ever decreasing eye gap to focus on the pitch from Richard, he singles allowing Story to score. Richard Run face six.
This is a “If I rub this ball really hard, a genie will pop out. He will grant me three wishes, I’ll wish to be able to pitch like Clayton KERSHAW, then- wait…it’s lamps you rub, not baseballs. Balls.” face.
The inning ends with a swarm of bees causing two outs, we go to the bottom of the fourth.
The inning starts with Nolan “Brother” Arenado sending a ding-dong to LF. It’s time for Richard Run face seven.
This is a “Ooh look, a bird” face.
Richard gets two outs, including one where he smiles and chats with Wil Myers.
CR: “Hey Will.”
WM: “It’s Wil, actually.”
CR: “Yeah whatever, shall I ask the ump if we can call it an inning after 2-outs again? Shall I? It will be so funny.”
WM: “Just fuckin’ pitch Clayton. I want to get back to watching Archer on Netflix.”
Parrat squawks on base with a single.
Trevor “The Story” Story comes to the plate. Clayton Richard throws a strike and then lets out a big sigh. “If only it was one-pitch baseball” he sighs, dreams and imagines all at the same time.
Later in the AB, Catcher Sanchez gives a sign, “Pitcher” Clayton shrugs and mouths “Screw it, why not?”, hitter Trevor Tale sends a 2-run dong-ding over the fenceline approximately 3,000ft into the stands. It’s time for Richard Run face (singular) eight and nine (that’s two runs in one hit).
This is a “Nope, it wasn’t a bird. It was just my chance-of-escaping-San-Diego-in-some-huge-prospect-laden-deal-fooling-my-new-owners-and-signing-a-giant-5-year-contract-with-them floating into the distance.” face.
Ryan Hanigan comes to the plate, if you didn’t know, as a game goes on Ryan’s eyes get closer and closer together, this makes him even more potent as a hitter. He’s pretty much a cyclops at this point, he hits a ground-run double on a fly ball to centre field. Jon Gray is next up.
Jon Gray is a pitcher. Pitchers aren’t very good at hitting. All Clayton needs to just get this last out and end the horror. He’s at 6,349 pitches right now, his arm must be really hurting. Just get the out. Concentrate on the out, don’t give Gray anything. Clayton Richard lines up, his pitch count reads 6,349 (It’s actually 99). This pitch will be his 6,350th (His 100th). He just needs a strike, a ground-ball, a fly ball to the infield, anything.
Of course, Gray hits a single, Cyclops Hanigan scores. Richard Run face ten.
This is a “I wish I could fly, right up to the sky, but I can’t…” face.
Suddenly, Andy Green appears.
“Hey guys, I’ve finished the latest season of Archer, it’s ok, a little weird but it’s ok. Clayton, the battery on your iPad is dead. So, what’s been happen- WHATTHEFU–”
Clayton hears the news of his iPad battery being drained and leaves the mound disgruntled.
The Padres scored some runs, the Rockies scored even more runs.
Oh Tuckin’ Hell, we thought we had lost the leader of the Tank when Jered Weaver went down. Well, the Tank Commander is dead, long live the Tank Commander.
Normal service may resume next post…