Previously we looked at all the teams from the Arizona Diamondbacks to the Miami Marlins. Today, we’re continuing the alternative look from the Milwaukee Brewers to the Washington Nationals.
The Brewers have a famous English river mashing home runs for them, Eric Thames.
They don’t have another river on the roster. Because it’s the Brewers, they have decided to make some MLB ready moves and conduct a “reload” and not a rebuild.
First up, the River Dee Gordon.
Yankees RHP Luis “River” Sever(n)ino.
D’Backs C/1B – Alex “River” Av(on)ila.
You thought I was going to do a twin joke, right? WRONG.
Ok, FINE. I did try, but there aren’t any players called “Olsen” in the Majors and if I’m honest, I couldn’t immediately think of another set of twins.
SO, we have already done alliteration, we have done terrible puns (Don’t worry there will be more) and we have done observations about the roster.
Well, I had another one, I thought there was little chance of a roster having every letter of the alphabet in it. Guess what, the bloody Twins have. FFS.
Fine, we’ll go back to twins. The most famous set of twins in the UK.
NEW YORK METS
“Let’s Go Mets!” As the song announces. It doesn’t say where the Mets should go, but it tells them to go.
In my opinion they should be going to the Job Centre and trying to get themselves a medical staff that can actually look after their players.
In the meantime they need an arm that can last a whole season.
A strong arm.
NEW YORK YANKEES
Who likes the Yankees? Some people really do, in fact, a LOT of people do.
But wouldn’t it be nice if they could turn everyone around into liking them?
So what do the Yankees need? They need to be popular, friendly and likeable.
What ticks all those boxes? Dogs, well specifically puppies.
My plan was to look for a baseball player with the name “Bolt” or “Usain” and drop him into this “Athletics” roster.
The A’s have plenty of other gaps, with their glaring omission of an alliteration player sticking out like a terrible sore thumb.
This can be solved by them getting out there and signing the hottest free agent on the market right now. Manny Machado.
The Phillies don’t have a Phil.
The Phillies don’t have a Phil.
THE PHILLIES DON’T HAVE A PHIL.
Yep, it’s swashbuckling time.
There is no “Beard”
There is no “Hook”
Peter Pantos hasn’t played since 1948 (and might be dead).
So what are we going to do?
Brandon Shipley? Joe Musk(et)grove?
No, it’s got to be a blockbuster.
It’s Chris Sale.
SAN DIEGO PADRES
The Padres have had a poor rotation over the past few years, they also struggled at SS for some time and have a logjam in the outfield (With relatively average players causing that jam). So with that in mind, the Padres should be one of those teams making a run at Bryce Harper, they should be pushing for Manny Machado and they have to get an ace, if not this year, definitely next.
Only kidding. It’s going to be a Friar joke.
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
So we need to continue this trend.
They could have a Ray Black and a Robbie Ray.
They could have a Robbie Ray and a Robbie Ross Jr.
They could have a Robbie Ross Jr. and a Tyson Ross.
They could have a Tyson Ross and a Ty Blach.
In my beginning is my end, in my end is my beginning.
Jerry Dipoto loves a trade. There’s nothing he loves more than either looking at trades or making a trade. He loves clicking “Shop player around” in Out Of The Park Baseball, then staring at all those options in front of him and wondering which ageing middle reliever or overpriced outfielder to snap up next.
So if you’re going to the Mariners, you want to be a grey man, blend into the background and not be noticed.
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
The Cardinals are the best team in baseball, specifically when it comes to their fans.
They regularly sell out their ballpark and are usually given the tag “Best Fans In Baseball”. There’s even a twitter account dedicated to their amazing fans.
But they could always do with one more fan.
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, welcome back – Tommy Pham.
TAMPA BAY RAYS
The Rays have many water related references on their roster.
Kyle Bird (Birds drink water)
Jalen Beeks (Birds use their beaks to drink water)
Brent Honeywell (Wells are full of water)
Hunter Wood (Usually have a water source in them)
Joey Wendle (A Wendle sounds like an Australian name for a water spring)
But the finest water based reference has to be:
I’m not sure they need anything, right?
Screw it. Have Robbie Ray.
The Rangers are in a rebuild phase, the organisation isn’t great at the moment, but there are a few moves they could make.
However, I think they should stay as they are and hardly do anything.
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
They also have a bird reference on their roster, recently signed baseball journeyman, Oliver Drake.
So what are they going to do?
Well, it’s cold in Canada, isn’t it? Some would say it’s Freesing.
And finally, we reach the last team on the list. If any of you are still here and reading, well done. You win a free glass of tap water next time I see you in a pub.
The Nationals are based in the capital of the Land Of The Free, so where are the players that encapsulate this?
Mark Trumpo has already been used (See part 1).
Matt Bush could do it.
Ron Washington could manage them.
But my favourite president in recent memory has to be Barrack Obama.
But Kyle Barrc(k Obama)lough is already there.
So let us end with the famous landmark and home to the President of the United States.
The White House.
Adrian “White” Houser.
It’s done Adrian.
It’s done everyone, thanks for reading.