He’s back, it’s Chris Brown…
The 2018 MLB draft finished last week, with the next generation of prospects finding out which franchise has picked them to start their professional baseball career, and hopefully start their road to the show.
You’ll see lots of different articles over the internet around which prospects are the next hall-of-famers, and which teams have got a steal in the later rounds.
I have no idea about any of that stuff, but I do know that baseballers tend to have some fantastic names, so let’s pick a team containing players with fantastic names from the first 3 rounds of the draft, as they have the most chance of making it to the majors and these analyses “coming true”.
As there are a significant lack of 2nd and 3rd basemen in the draft, we have to get a little creative and shuffle the players around, so we’ll have our corner infielders able to play either position, and our middle infielders able to play these too. We’ll also pick a starting pitcher, a set up man and a closer to get us through the 9 innings.
Catcher – Josh Breaux – Yankees – Pick 61
Hey bro, it’s Josh Breaux, bro. If he doesn’t ride a skateboard I’ll be very disappointed. It’s just a shame he’s on the Yankees as he won’t be able to grow out his shaggy locks. A trade to a California team is a necessity, bro.
1st Baseman – Seth Beer – Astros – Pick 28
Fish and chips, peas and carrots, cookies and cream…Beer and Baseball. He’s literally named for the American pastime. Even with his hefty 1st round signing bonus, he’s still probably the cheapest beer at an MLB ballpark.
2nd Baseman – Brice Turang – Brewers – Pick 21
First, points for spelling Brice with an “I” instead of a “y”. Second, his surname sounds like something a French butler might say. “Turang m’lord?”
3rd Baseman – Luken Baker – Cardinals – Pick 75
What are you Luken at? Technically he’s a first baseman, but whoken cares when he’s called Luken?
Shortstop – Ford Proctor – Rays – Pick 92
I think my dad used to drive a Ford Proctor. Steady, reliable, good MPG. What more could you want from your 3rd round pick? (Rumour is Douglas Adams nixed this name for ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide…’ for being too dull – Ed.)
Left Field – Steele Walker – White Sox – Pick 46
Steele Walker plays baseball in cowboy boots and a 10 gallon hat. He rides his horse to the field, and catches fly balls with a lasso rather than a glove. The White Sox are fitting saloon doors to their clubhouse as we speak.
Centre Field – Travis Swaggerty – Pirates – Pick 10
This kid has so much swag it oozed out into his name. His bat flips are due to be incredible, and his walk up music has all the girls swooning. Swaggerty by name, Swaggerty by nature.
Right Field – Osiris Johnson – Marlins – Pick 53
C’mon. The guy is literally named after the Egyptian god of the afterlife, and has been drafted by the awful Marlins. If his walk up music isn’t the Funeral March he’s doing it wrong. That said, the Egyptian afterlife was meant to be quite good, so maybe he’s the symbol of the rebirth of the franchise.
Starting Pitcher – Cole Winn – Rangers – Pick 15
He’s destined to get the victory in an early April road game in Chicago, if only for the headline; “Cole Winn wins when the Cole Winn blows”. Written in the stars.
Set-up man – JT Ginn – Dodgers – Pick 30
Any alcohol connoisseur knows that gin is having a resurgence over the last few years, with lots of different flavours and varieties. JT Ginn fits perfectly into this, a strong spirit with healthy notes of fruit. Just don’t use him too much or you’ll be left hungover.
Closer – Sean Hjelle – Giants – Pick 45
Do I know how to pronounce his surname? No (Hjelle no? – Ed.). Do I care? No. Opposing hitters are going to struggle because in the famous words of Beyoncé, “I don’t think you’re ready for this Hjelle”. Sue me.
Ryan Weathers – San Diego Padres – LHP- Pick 7 (Ryan Weathers the storm)
Gunnar Hoglund – Pirates – RHP – Pick 36
Tristan Pompey – Marlins – OF – Pick 89
Brenden Spillane – Reds – 3B – Pick 82
Jarren Duran – Boston Red Sox – 2B – 7th Round
‘A View To A Kill’ is the best Bond theme, lads.