What your team *really* needs this off-season. An alternative look. (ARI – MIA)

There are plenty of posts out there telling you the moves your team should make, but what about the moves your team must make?

There are quite a few essential things a Major League Baseball team needs to succeed in the modern era. These aren’t things like an “ace”, a power hitting third baseman or a shut down closer, no, they are oh so different.

Here we go for the first half:

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

The D’Backs are almost perfect. You heard me right, they are just missing one vital piece to achieve an unblemished Z³.

They have Zack Godley and Zack Greinke (remember i before e except in Greinke), a third Zack would round this roster off perfectly.

Guess what? Zach Britton is available! YES!

*BZZZZZZ*

Wrong, the spelling doesn’t work.

There are no Zack’s available as free agents, but the D’Backs could make a blockbuster move for Zack Cozart and finish the trifecta.

ATLANTA BRAVES

The Braves play in the great state of Georgia.

The Braves do not have a single George playing on their team. How is this even possible?

It would be amazing if they could have a George with the middle name Andrew playing for them. Then it would be George A. Georgia.

We’ll have to do with a straight up George.

Fear not, George Kontos is available and ready to be part of this exciting Atlanta roster.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES

The Orioles are bad. Real bad.

So bad, they should beat it.

You see where I’m going, right?

But there isn’t a Michael Jackson active in the Majors or Minor right now who can join this team. So what’s better than the legend Jacko? Thats right, his sidekick and best friend, Bubbles the chimp.

“Wait, what? There’s a Bubbles in the Majors??”

Yes, of course there is.

J.D. Davis of the Astros, his nickname is “Bubbles”. Nope, I don’t know why either.

If anyone can find out why he’s called Bubbles, you win a hug.

BOSTON RED SOX

The Red Sox have just won the World Series.

They are perfect, right?

WRONG

They have no player on their roster that even suggestions perfection, but they could.

Fildex Perfecto is the ideal name to round off that already flawless roster.

And hey, guess what, he’s available (Well I think so), as he hasn’t played since 2017, when he suited up for the Astros.

CHICAGO CUBS

The Chicago Cubs have a very strange phenomenon on their roster, they have three juniors, THREE! This is the only roster in the Majors (probably) with such a lop sided clubhouse. The fab three are:

Seriously, what is this? A pre-school?

I’m sure they all get confused when someone shouts “Hey, Junior!” in the clubhouse as well.

What we need, is a Snr.

Eric Senior is that man, a minor leaguer for the Washington Nationals.

Get the old man in that clubhouse to take charge.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX

The White Sox haven’t been very good in recent years. The team might have a fantastic farm system, but remember the old saying, Pennants > Prospects.

They would love to be able to copy the fantastic roster that the cross town rivals, the Cubs, have right now.

They need a clone.

Alex Colome.

It works, shut up, leave me alone.

CINCINNATI REDS

Reds fans haven’t smiled for some time and they won’t be smiling anytime soon with speedy playmaker Billy Hamilton being released.

So what does this Reds roster need?

It needs fun, it needs amusement, it needs crowd participation.

It needs a funny name.

Mike Moustakas is that man.

Just think of all those times “Moose” had a great hit whilst playing for the Royals, what did the fans do? Shout “MOOOOOOOOOOOSE”

Who doesn’t like shouting an animal name out loud? Go on, try it now. Shout moose as loud and as long as you can.

You didn’t did you?

Coward…moo-ard.

The Reds might actually *lose* games because of laughing too much at funny Moose.

CLEVELAND INDIANS

Trevor Bauer is rather notable for being a rather good starting pitcher.

He’s also a fairly vocal Donald Trump fan.

Do you know what would make Trevor Bauer and his team-mates happy?

almost all of my teammates support trump sooooo

— Trevor Bauer (@BauerOutage) February 10, 2017

A Trump on the roster.

Well, you can’t have a Trump, because of their small hands, the Trumps have never been very good at baseball.

So you can have a weak copy of a Trump.

A Trumbo, Mark Trumbo.

I wrote that paragraph, then found the image. I’m not even fibbing, try typing in “Mark Trumbo funny” into Google images, you’ll see, you’ll all see.

COLORADO ROCKIES

The Rockies 25-man roster has the following pitchers listed.

Did you see what happened there? Go back and look at the names. What a damn shame they don’t have a pitcher with a last name beginning with I to continue this fantastic sequence.

Fear not Rockies fans, 38-year-old Hisashi Iwakuma is available! Yeah, he’s a bit rubbish, but who cares if you see some balance and logical sequence in your pitching staff?

Iwakuma puts the I in Logical-Sequential-Rotation

DETROIT TIGERS

The Detroit Tigers have been like magpies in the past, they see something shiny, they throw money at it in the hope it will help them win.

But no more! They will not be throwing cash at anything anytime soon.

Nope, when they see a player, they will say “Cash? Naa.”

HOUSTON ASTROS

The Astros.

A fine roster, with a starting rotation teams would trade their farm for, a bullpen that could easily win a game without a starter and a lineup with ferocious power.

But…

Not a single space based pun in the entire 25-man roster.

What. A. Waste.

It’s time to BLAS(H)T off.

Jabari Blash actually hits dingers, so his name is great.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS

Did you know, Walt Disney grew up in Kansas City?

Did you also know they don’t have a single Disney sounding name on their roster? I mean Danny Duffy (Duck) is about as close as they have, but that doesn’t really cut the mustard (or should that be orange sauce).

So, Mi(c)ke(y) Mous(e)takas would have been almost perfect, but I’ve already used him. So we need to think of another.

How about RHP Adam Plut(k)o? Nope, not good enough.

It is of course, Andrelton Simmons, who has the awesome nickname “Simba”

I’m disappointed they didn’t go with “Simmo”

LOS ANGELES ANGELS

The Angels have a great roster for this alternative look, they have an amusing name in Pujols, they have alliteration in Jake Jewell and a strong social media presence in Mike Trout. So where are the gaps?

Despite their spiritual name, they have no player on the roster with that is even close to saintly.

The answer? Well, Jesus Sucre is the man they need. You can’t get any more religious than Jesus himself could you?

Well, maybe Budda, Mohammed…damn, this might need more thought.

LOS ANGELES DODGERS

When the Los Angeles Dodgers play baseball, they have the acronym “LAD” displayed on the screen.

Check out their roster, see any LADs? NO. Matt Beaty sounds a bit LADish, but he’s not quite there.

What about this guy? SETH BEER. You don’t get more LADish than a beer drinker.

The left handed first baseman will be a easy fit into that roster, if he’s not too hungover #LadsLadsLads

“I was still pissed when this photo was taken. Such a LAD”

MIAMI MARLINS

The Miami Marlins are notorious for not wanting to spend any money or let kids watch baseball for free. They have also torn down the home-run sculpture in the ball park.

They are destructive, disruptive and down right dour.

They need a a spark. A man who can spark this franchise and get it exciting again.

They need a Sparkman.

Glenn Sparkman, from KC.