There are plenty of posts out there telling you the moves your team should make, but what about the moves your team must make?
There are quite a few essential things a Major League Baseball team needs to succeed in the modern era. These aren’t things like an “ace”, a power hitting third baseman or a shut down closer, no, they are oh so different.
Here we go for the first half:
The D’Backs are almost perfect. You heard me right, they are just missing one vital piece to achieve an unblemished Z³.
They have Zack Godley and Zack Greinke (remember i before e except in Greinke), a third Zack would round this roster off perfectly.
Guess what? Zach Britton is available! YES!
Wrong, the spelling doesn’t work.
There are no Zack’s available as free agents, but the D’Backs could make a blockbuster move for Zack Cozart and finish the trifecta.
The Braves play in the great state of Georgia.
The Braves do not have a single George playing on their team. How is this even possible?
It would be amazing if they could have a George with the middle name Andrew playing for them. Then it would be George A. Georgia.
We’ll have to do with a straight up George.
Fear not, George Kontos is available and ready to be part of this exciting Atlanta roster.
The Orioles are bad. Real bad.
So bad, they should beat it.
You see where I’m going, right?
But there isn’t a Michael Jackson active in the Majors or Minor right now who can join this team. So what’s better than the legend Jacko? Thats right, his sidekick and best friend, Bubbles the chimp.
“Wait, what? There’s a Bubbles in the Majors??”
Yes, of course there is.
J.D. Davis of the Astros, his nickname is “Bubbles”. Nope, I don’t know why either.
BOSTON RED SOX
The Red Sox have just won the World Series.
They are perfect, right?
They have no player on their roster that even suggestions perfection, but they could.
Fildex Perfecto is the ideal name to round off that already flawless roster.
And hey, guess what, he’s available (Well I think so), as he hasn’t played since 2017, when he suited up for the Astros.
The Chicago Cubs have a very strange phenomenon on their roster, they have three juniors, THREE! This is the only roster in the Majors (probably) with such a lop sided clubhouse. The fab three are:
Seriously, what is this? A pre-school?
I’m sure they all get confused when someone shouts “Hey, Junior!” in the clubhouse as well.
What we need, is a Snr.
Eric Senior is that man, a minor leaguer for the Washington Nationals.
Get the old man in that clubhouse to take charge.
CHICAGO WHITE SOX
The White Sox haven’t been very good in recent years. The team might have a fantastic farm system, but remember the old saying, Pennants > Prospects.
They would love to be able to copy the fantastic roster that the cross town rivals, the Cubs, have right now.
They need a clone.
It works, shut up, leave me alone.
Reds fans haven’t smiled for some time and they won’t be smiling anytime soon with speedy playmaker Billy Hamilton being released.
So what does this Reds roster need?
It needs fun, it needs amusement, it needs crowd participation.
It needs a funny name.
Mike Moustakas is that man.
Just think of all those times “Moose” had a great hit whilst playing for the Royals, what did the fans do? Shout “MOOOOOOOOOOOSE”
Who doesn’t like shouting an animal name out loud? Go on, try it now. Shout moose as loud and as long as you can.
You didn’t did you?
Trevor Bauer is rather notable for being a rather good starting pitcher.
He’s also a fairly vocal Donald Trump fan.
Do you know what would make Trevor Bauer and his team-mates happy?
almost all of my teammates support trump sooooo
— Trevor Bauer (@BauerOutage) February 10, 2017
A Trump on the roster.
Well, you can’t have a Trump, because of their small hands, the Trumps have never been very good at baseball.
So you can have a weak copy of a Trump.
A Trumbo, Mark Trumbo.
The Rockies 25-man roster has the following pitchers listed.
- Yency Almonte
- Tyler Anderson
- Chad Bettis
- Ryan Castellani
- Wade Davis
- Mike Dunn
- Carlos Estevez
- Kyle Freeland
- Rayan Gonzalez
- Jon Gray
- Jeff Hoffman
- DJ Johnson
Did you see what happened there? Go back and look at the names. What a damn shame they don’t have a pitcher with a last name beginning with I to continue this fantastic sequence.
Fear not Rockies fans, 38-year-old Hisashi Iwakuma is available! Yeah, he’s a bit rubbish, but who cares if you see some balance and logical sequence in your pitching staff?
The Detroit Tigers have been like magpies in the past, they see something shiny, they throw money at it in the hope it will help them win.
But no more! They will not be throwing cash at anything anytime soon.
Nope, when they see a player, they will say “Cash? Naa.”
A fine roster, with a starting rotation teams would trade their farm for, a bullpen that could easily win a game without a starter and a lineup with ferocious power.
Not a single space based pun in the entire 25-man roster.
What. A. Waste.
It’s time to BLAS(H)T off.
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Did you know, Walt Disney grew up in Kansas City?
Did you also know they don’t have a single Disney sounding name on their roster? I mean Danny Duffy (Duck) is about as close as they have, but that doesn’t really cut the mustard (or should that be orange sauce).
So, Mi(c)ke(y) Mous(e)takas would have been almost perfect, but I’ve already used him. So we need to think of another.
How about RHP Adam Plut(k)o? Nope, not good enough.
It is of course, Andrelton Simmons, who has the awesome nickname “Simba”
LOS ANGELES ANGELS
The Angels have a great roster for this alternative look, they have an amusing name in Pujols, they have alliteration in Jake Jewell and a strong social media presence in Mike Trout. So where are the gaps?
Despite their spiritual name, they have no player on the roster with that is even close to saintly.
The answer? Well, Jesus Sucre is the man they need. You can’t get any more religious than Jesus himself could you?
Well, maybe Budda, Mohammed…damn, this might need more thought.
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
When the Los Angeles Dodgers play baseball, they have the acronym “LAD” displayed on the screen.
Check out their roster, see any LADs? NO. Matt Beaty sounds a bit LADish, but he’s not quite there.
What about this guy? SETH BEER. You don’t get more LADish than a beer drinker.
The left handed first baseman will be a easy fit into that roster, if he’s not too hungover #LadsLadsLads
The Miami Marlins are notorious for not wanting to spend any money or let kids watch baseball for free. They have also torn down the home-run sculpture in the ball park.
They are destructive, disruptive and down right dour.
They need a a spark. A man who can spark this franchise and get it exciting again.
They need a Sparkman.
Glenn Sparkman, from KC.
Well thats its for part one, stay tuned for part two to drop soon.
Hello, is anyone still there?
very funny article! love it and cant wait until part 2